The Break-up

I don't really know how should I put this, but one thing I am sure about is, in time to come human tends to forget what they used to have or been through. Maybe by pen-ing it down will help me in some ways.

This is first day of the breakup, and also could had been our 5 years 9 months anniversary, it had been so long that I couldn't even imagine loving someone for that long. I slept at 1am and I woke up at 3.55am, and I told myself, what's happening? Is it because of the breakup that upset you so much that it wakes you in the middle of the night? I didn't know, but tears start rolling down on my cheeks. I couldn't understand what's going on, I tried to cry myself to bed. But I couldn't, there is so much in me that I felt I should say before I could really move on with my life.

To me, I had never been through a proper relationship and of course even a breakup. But, this hurt me so much that I could not even rationalize it with my heart.

The last conversation you told me was that you are not finding any reason for this break up just that you can't feel my love. Nonetheless, you love me for who I am but you see yourself losing that love for me.
Is this the love?
http://pictures-of-memory.blogspot.sg/2012/09/reduce-from-what-we-were-before.html

-Version 1-

Way before that, at the bus-stop having random conversation with you. You mentioned that you felt that I am still not close close with the family.

I mean, what level of closeness/bonding you expecting? Doesn't everything seems okay? From the japan trip to the korea trips, to the random family day of dinner, movie, prawning and celebration. What have I missed out in, that you could say I am still not close with your fam?

Taking from my perspective, I had did a pretty good job from what we had been through. I already mentioned that I wouldn't and couldn't treat your sister any better. To what extend, you still want me to do? That past 2 years being together after that incident, it's being difficult for me. You must be wondering how bad  could it possibly be, right?

Me being your gf and she being a younger sister. Being respectful enough she should had treat me like a elder by at least greeting me, but no, she never did. To the extent that, even during Chinese new year I have to nudge her on the arm so that she could shake my hands. Why must I put myself is such humiliation, just because I clearly know that I have to suck it up so that things get better. For our love that you taught me to believe in.

But until today, you had the cheek to tell me that back then your sister came to confront/insult me even without knowing the whole situation and you did your best to mitigate it, by not picking side too. Or even telling me that, if that issue didn't happened and all situation that I am in wouldn't had happened.

I mean, this is so heart breaking to hear such decision you made or even said. You not taking side, just because you think that we both are in the wrong. This issue is between us, and no matter how wrongful am I to you, is still between us. Your sister came to interfere and offended me by saying nasty stuff is totally a different issue. She have no rights to do so. And conveniently, you just think that we both are wrong so you don't take side?  How do you even treat me as a human, not even a single respect as an outsider. I don't even sense any justice.

And how could you say, " if that issue didn't happened and all this wouldn't had happened". So, you was never at fault? I was then? I can't be bothered to further explain this. Simply, all I could say is that it takes two hands to clap. I don't randomly fall for someone else.

Anyway, back to version 1. I told you I had done my best and that distance between your sister and me will always be there. And what you told me? I should learn to move on and she is just young. I mean if you really treated me as a gf. You could had understand what I just explained and that I had move on and stopping asking something from me that is not within my control. I was always being myself from day 1, before or after that issue or even heed your advice to be a better person.

Didn't I move on? If not, I wouldn't be in current status with your sister that we still hang out together and play board games and exchanging conversation about school. What else more, what else more?

Why can't you just understand?
http://pictures-of-memory.blogspot.sg/2012/09/the-feeling-of-having-this-condition.html

-Version 2-Part 1-

During the phone conversation you told me stuff that you don't like about me that I kept disturbing you by saying "you love me anot....why you love me..." and you felt confused. Like whether for real or am I joking. I mean, right now you could ask any couples, which gf doesn't do it subconsciously? To be honest, is a way I like to hear your compliments, this stuff kept me real that I can't help it and kept repeating it. And I really didn't know that it causes you such unnecessary pressure and confusion. I am sorry.

-Version 2- Part 2-

You mentioned that, you don't feel the love you had for me like we used to when you love me from the start. And you don't feel we as a couple couple because we never had any achievement for this five years and you don't see it in the future. You want achievement like doing stuff together,

I mean, look back this 5 years, what had we been through, the path that we walk hand in hand in. Ain’t we spending quality time together? Maybe, you just need someone who can do sports with you, I am not just not active enough for you, that's all I can say.

-Version 2- Part 3-

Lastly, you said that I never kept to my promise. I taking you for granted by just conveniently agreeing just to shut you off. You advice me to join you on Tuesday. You clearly know I wasn't keen, but for you and my own good, I agree but I did told you not so soon cause I don't feel comfortable or find a right time. Until school start when my timetable can't possibly make it on time on Tuesday. At least, I felt that I put in the thought of joining you for dinner or even cycling there. Other than that, I still did my part to exercise by also learning to swim or go cycling. What else or what kind of extend you expecting?

Looking back all this versions or issues that you brought up, all I could say is you couldn’t even find the real reason to break up with me till I prompt you so badly to the extend you took up the courage to it. You could had done better.

Yes, no point of saying so much when simply is just that we both are from different worlds. As much as I thought I could accommodate and take things easily, just you and me against world. Silly me.

Since, we are so different in perspective that in situation like:

Hanging out with a group of friends that we both know and you had to leave and couldn't join the rest for second half and I should also follow you back so that you won't have to be worried. Or even make you feel bad that you couldn't join?

I mean, there is so many aspect of it that why must you think that way. Don't you think you are being unfair to me?

1. You and me stayed in different area. After joining them, we could just go home together.
2. Is not as though I am with one guy, I am with 3 of them.
3. We are not even drinking, only for LAN session.
4. Is not a every time thing
5. I would definitely text you when I reach home.

But instead you felt that, me being your gf I should be considerate about your feelings by agreeing to your ridiculous demand just to make you feel less embarrassed in front of your friends? When in the first place they never even judge you in that manner. And best part is right after this issue we  had a big quarrel, and in the end you apologies to me that you shouldn't had behave and approach in this manner and now after some many years you telling me this?
Look back at what you told me:
http://pictures-of-memory.blogspot.sg/2011/03/for-first-time-ever-in-my-life-biggest_14.html?m=1

I clearly know we have different perspective from the start when even we started dating in the first two years when I told you I wanted to go separate ways but you were always the one to pull me back and come to a conclusion that you will learn and embrace it.

But this time round,  I am really falling apart and I could say that you will never embrace the true me or even at least understand in a normal or more understanding perspective. You say that I never vision you as my idol or whatsoever, then I ask you back now, what do you have for me to idolize you for? You save millions of people? You are a successful entrepreneur?????

I mean, I love you for who you truly are, even for the ugly part of you that I embrace and speak out truthfully for your sake. Think about times on how stubborn you were back then? It was never about me, it was about us. And since you said that I never treated you like a bf but more of a friend, is really sad to the point that I got nothing to say.

Looking back on the Facebook note you left on my wall on 2012:

“Too my Lovely dear.

I love you because you're funny.

I love you because you're always concerning me.

I love you because you're care about me.

I love you because you're the one that caught my eye.

I love you because you're the one who made me became a better man.

I love you because you're the one that I'll be never be wrong.

I love you because you're who you are.

I love you because I want to take care of you.

I love you because I want to show you the world.

I love you because I want to hold your hand down the road.

I love you because I want to understand you.

I love you because I want to share with you.

I love you because I want to learn from you.

I love you because I want to stand by for you.

I love you because I want hug you with my love all the time.

Dear oh~ How I want you to be happy. But I always fail. I'm really very sorry. We are still students anyway so we shall understand what we are going through. :)

LOVE YOU MUCH DEAR! I WANT ME TO BE YOURS!!!”

Is just so disappointing to me that you were the one that taught me and show me that we could be something with our differences. But sadly, you are the one who is giving up on what you used to believe in.

http://pictures-of-memory.blogspot.sg/2011/07/she-my-sweet-heart.html

Right now, just brushing it off cause you simply dont feel the love you used to, not even search for it. I felt that you are very selfish. In a five years relationship that simply the next day you could had change your Facebook display picture and status, I am really amazed by what's going through your mind. That's all I have to say to clarify, or for the future me to reflect on.

Thankyou for everything, be it the good and the bad ones. We grow and we learn.

"有时侯，你不得不相信，有些人注定只能停留在你的心中，却不能留在你的生活中."

I will gracefully move on.

Sunday.:)

It is always hard for me to really sit down and start typing what I really wanted to say.

The only thing we can't stop is time. When you really stop your pace and take a look at the world. You  would realize that it had been quite a while.

I might not say how I feel, but that doesn't mean I don't concern. The funny thing is, deep inside I am just like  this little girl wondering lots and lots of question waiting to throw at you.

Just those fun and laughter.


Life's great when there is something to keep you going.

I will always remember and learn from the best.




I don't know why, but "Your happiness is mine" is what I could recall.

2013

The cross over to 2013.
It came so fast when I least expected it.

Till this point looking back from what had happen throughout the whole 2012, my reaction would be "WOW, how did I even came across all this."

:))) Thanks for the people around me.
Its definitely been a better year as compared to previous ones.

I make mistakes and I learn from it, pick up new skills, make new friends and last but not least I found myself still standing.

I couldn't explain all this through words, I only know, I am different.

Not a bad person, just being the real me and the me that you want me to be.
I never changed, is just the me, the deep inside me had learned to be firm.
It doesn't mean I don't say or react this way means I am like that. You are not me.

Ohmy! Getting so emotion.:O
CUT!

HAHAHA! OHWELL, what's new.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!<3
Make this a great year for all of us.:)) CHEERS!!

Hope that it stay here and no where else

Be yourself.

I had always been who I am from day 1 and still I got this kind of judgement.

You still want me to be myself. How could I possibly still get all those confident back?

No doubt? How could I have no doubt when I treat someone so nice and always have the "you before me" thinking and yet I still receive this kind of treatment, is not even consider as outsider. I did nothing for this kind of judgment. You know how hard I always tell myself to move on? Is just so unexpected that people will have that kind of judgement.

It make me felt that the world is so scary.
She is just a kid. Yet I got bullied by her. Seriously, its just so hard to move on.
I tried to convince myself to act as its transparent.

It just so hard, I guess.

I wonder do you know how much I think about this?
about why am I even having this problem.
Yes, to you its small.
But, to me. I just can't understand why is it even happening.
You say you tried, yes I know. You scolded her, that's what your family done.
Just........It just can't work out for me.
I felt as though everyone doesn't welcome me.
Just have the feeling that I don't belong there, never had that feeling before too, and never will.

How could I don't have doubt.

Every time I say anything, you always have your side of story. When will you really listen to mine and pamper me like what other guys do?

whatever is it gf is just a gf. The feeling you gave me it just seems that you can simply forget what your sister done because she is your sister and you don't want you family everyday black face and that's your best reason.

Merry Christmas.:)

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

I really hope that it marks the end of all this.

I had make that step which leads me to no where now.
For now, all I felt is that I am finally stepping back on to the solid ground.

Like what you all told me, "time heals".

Deep down, I am still disappointed to myself.
And people around me.
Why would you realize me, after you lose me?
And why am I just too soft?
I never know what I wanted, I just want things to be right.

I just hope that some day..I could really find some one who can.

Sorry to hurt you all.
Nothing I can do to make up for what I did.
All I can do is to reduce.

But, thanks for being there.:)

Random

I didn't know.
I am just sorry, all I can say is that I do appreciate you.

"It's what you do to me"